Saturday, May 29, 2010

Fraser: "Whitlam Doesn't Have The Balls To Quit Labor"

After the recent revelation of Malcolm Fraser's decision to quit the Liberal Party, the former PM has issued a challenge to his old political foe, Gough Whitlam, to follow suit, making repeated claims that his predecessor in office doesn't have the balls to follow through. "The Rudd government doesn't embody the Labor spirit by any stretch of the imagination, Mr. Whitlam, but are you gonna nut up and tell them?" Mr Fraser asked at a recent press conference. "It takes a real set of brass ones to walk away from a party you've loved. I've done it - c'mon Gough, where's your cajones? Where's your chutzpah?" Fraser's comments echo a section of his recent memoirs, in which he spends a full chapter hypothesising about the relative dimensions of both his and Whitlam's testicles.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Millions Of Americans Decide To Finally Get That Thing On Their Neck Looked At

With the passing of the Obama administration's historic health care bill Sunday, millions of American citizens are at last able to get that thing on their neck looked at. Many have hailed the passing of the new bill, as that neck thing has been bugging them for a while and they thought they should really get it checked out. Furthermore, the friends and family of millions of Americans had begun to notice it, although none of them had said anything yet because they didn't want millions of Americans to worry.

"This is an important day for our nation, a time of great progress and achievement," said President Obama in a press conference announcing and celebrating the bill's passing. "I hope that all Americans will soon be able to enjoy the freedoms of universal health care, because - and I wasn't going to say anything, but - well, the neck thing. It's probably nothing, but it's better to be sure." In addition to offering diagnosis and treatment for that thing on their neck, the new bill will provide Americans with medical assistance for their goddamn back (provided it is killing them), as well as that stomach bug that seems to be going around lately.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Global Death Toll Approaches 120,000,000,000

Tragedy continued to strike worldwide today as the global death toll of the human race rose yet again, with its total estimated at close to 120 billion. Combined factors of flood, famine, disease, war, old age, suicide, predators and freak accidents all contributed to the seemingly endless slaughter of the human race. "We're doing everything we can, but it's really an uphill battle," said a Red Cross representative. "Every day the death toll just keeps climbing and we're virtually powerless to stop it." Much criticism has been aimed at the world's governments, accusing them of doing little to prepare for this ongoing catastrophe, despite being fully aware of the existence of human mortality for centuries. In a touching display of hope and solidarity, a three hour candlelight vigil was held at Times Square in New York City, during which another 19,170 lives were lost around the world.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Cupid Promises Swift Destruction To All Enemies Of Romance

In a newly released tape, the rogue romantic leader known only as "Cupid" issued a stern warning to the singles community today, declaring that "all infidels who dare to deny my message of eternal love will suffer the fury of a thousand infatuations - none shall escape my arrows, none shall receive mercy." Expert analysis of the tape suggests that it was shot as recently as two weeks ago, and that Cupid appears to be in good health.

"There is nowhere I cannot reach, nowhere I cannot strike," continued Cupid. "Make no mistake, your spine shall tingle, your flesh shall be riddled with goosebumps and your heart shall be a flutter; and you will know, too late, that I have found you." In addition to his usual fundamentalist-romantic rhetoric, Cupid also claimed responsibility for an incident last month, where all attendees at a house party suddenly broke into a spontaneous orgy.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Local Man Has Been Here This Whole Time

Breaking news: reports flooding in from the scene indicate that a local resident you only just noticed and greeted has been here "literally the entire time," and possibly even saw you walk in. The man, with whom you are intermittently acquainted, claims to sometimes see you at these sorts of things but doesn't always know whether he should interrupt your evening. Furthermore, he figures that you're usually too busy to say hi, which is fine, he understands. As of press time, a general inquiry as to how the man is doing has segued into a rambling anecdote about the respective merits of the three CSI programs.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

US Downplays All-Out War With China

At a hastily organised press conference earlier today, the White House assured US citizens that the recent declaration of complete and total war with China is no cause for alarm, despite concerns that the situation will likely result in the death of the modern world and usher in a new age of fear and intimidation, no matter the victor. “This is all part of modern diplomacy,” said an unshaven, clearly sleep-deprived Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, brushing some plaster off his jacket as it fell from the ceiling. “China and the US each have our own interests and need to defend them, and sometimes that means declaring war without mercy, until the children’s children of our enemy are wiped from the face of the earth. This whole thing’s probably gonna blow over real soon.” Following this comment, Gibbs momentarily glanced at the ceiling as if listening for something distant, but soon waved it off.

It has been two days since Sino-US relations broke down completely, following rising tensions regarding the economy, US debt, trade policies and Barack Obama agreeing to meet with the Dalai Lama. Since the breakdown, both China and the US have made declarations of absolute war with each other, but US government officials maintain this is simply a precaution. US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates echoed Gibbs’ sentiments, speaking in front of an estimated 500 assembled tanks readying for deployment. “Trust me, soon we’ll all be looking back on this and laughing. I mean, sure, we have thousands of active nuclear warheads at our disposal. And sure, even though they only have a couple hundred, the devastation wreaked by even one would be catastrophic. But hey, when you look at it like… I mean… we probably won’t have to…” Gates’ eyes glazed over momentarily as he stared out over the cold efficiency of mechanised destruction that lay before him. “Sorry about that,” he said, recovering. “The message to take away here is that everything’s fine, really. In fact, it’s probably a good opportunity to spend some time with your family and loved ones. Y’know, cause it’s a pretty nice day, wouldn’t want to waste it.”

Sources are claiming that President Obama is currently in a secure undisclosed location with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, discussing nothing in particular, probably who will win the Super Bowl or something. By contrast, Vice-President Joe Biden has been given permission to freely roam the White House grounds.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Ted Delivers Annual "State Of Ted" Address

Speaking from his front lawn, local resident Ted delivered his annual "State of Ted" address today, traditionally used by Ted to defend his actions of the past year and outline a plan for the approaching one. "I know these are hard times," implored Ted. "And many of you are struggling. Well, Ted is struggling too, but I know we are gonna get through this." Ted acknowledged the hardships faced in 2009, including being laid off from his job at Target and the small dent he put in his car door, which has yet to be repaired. But Ted was also quick to assure that plans were in place for recovery, including that he had heard from his brother-in-law that the local Waffle House may be hiring.

Much focus was also placed on domestic Ted issues, such as the impending rent rise and the need for a new housemate, hopefully one who doesn't leave shit everywhere like the last guy. Overall, the response to this year's address has been positive, with many feeling Ted made the right decision by moving it to this week so as not to clash with the season premiere of Lost.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Friday, January 22, 2010

Bush Criticised For Not Achieving Goals In First Year Out Of Office

Jan 20th, 2010 marked the first anniversary of Barack Obama’s inauguration as President of the United States, thus also marking one year since George W. Bush left office. This milestone has drawn attention to the complete lack of effective post-Presidential behaviour by the former Commander In Chief, who had made a number of outlandish and speculative promises about what he could and would achieve once free of the responsibilities of his station. One year ago, Bush made assurances that he would clean the gutters, tidy up the garage and fix the toilet, but to date he has made little progress on any of these.

"This is nothing short of frustrating," said Laura Bush, former First Lady. "George never was one for housework, but if he says he'll do something, he should do it. This isn't like the capturing Bin Laden thing, he can't just hope the next guy's gonna take care of it." However, former President Bush is reportedly pleased at meeting some of his other goals, which included watching more ESPN and composing folksy anecdotes about being the most powerful man in the world. By contrast, Dick Cheney has enthusiastically surpassed his own aspirations, seizing power in a number of developing nations and controlling them from the shadows, as well as shooting at least five more people in the face.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sports Coach Keeps Using Business Metaphors

Raymond Doherty, coach of a local under-17 basketball team and former office manager, reportedly keeps using business-related metaphors to inspire his team, drawn from his glory days at a photocopier manufacturing company. “C’mon guys, we can do this,” Doherty implored his team on the weekend. “It’s just like when you’ve got lower-than-projected sales figures for the fourth quarter of the financial year, and sure, the cost-benefit analysis may seem like it’s a lost cause, but we can raise those productivity figures! We can meet our agreed-upon target of 5-8 percent growth! Now get out there and win!”

Doherty’s methods have prompted mixed reactions from both his team and spectators. “I think sometimes Ray can’t get past his former glories,” said one parent attending the game. “We’ve all heard that story about how he managed to incorporate a more efficient stock inventory process, but I don’t see how it helps my kid score points from the free-throw line.” Further criticism has been directed at Doherty’s insistence on delivering gameplay strategies as twenty-minute Powerpoint presentations.

Friday, December 11, 2009

FDA Approves Some Really Good Shit

The Food & Drug Administration this week approved the sale and distribution of some really good shit, to be made available over the counter without prescription. According to a statement released by the FDA, the aforementioned shit is "the good stuff man, none of that fake cut-up shit." This was further emphasised at a press conference by an FDA representative, who stressed, "this is some primo shit, we wouldn't dick you around."

Approval of the seriously wicked shit has been met with strong criticism by family groups, many of whom allegedly haven't even like, smoked a cigarette or anything, and probably need to just chill the fuck out.