Reel Big Fish Forced To Eat Trombonist To Survive

Tragedy this week as once-popular ska punk band Reel Big Fish was forced to resort to cannibalism in order to survive, resulting in the death and subsequent devouring of their trombonist, Dan Regan. Amidst the effects of the global financial crisis, falling record sales and a lack of public interest in catchy brass-driven melodies, Reel Big Fish had recently begun to grow desperate for sustenance, lacking the energy needed to deliver the dynamic live show audiences have come to expect from the seminal 90s group. In the face of such adversity, the band was forced to make a grave and terrible choice.

“Look, none of us wanted to end up here,” said singer Aaron Barrett. “But times are tough – we knew what had to be done. Oh god, Dan, I’m so sorry!” The decision of who would be eaten was made by a drawing of straws, followed by the ill-fated Regan walking with Barrett out behind a shed. A metallic clang and a dull thud were heard, after which a bloodstained Barrett returned stating simply, “It’s done.” Sources close to the band are reporting that their live act has been far more animated since eating Regan, although the lack of a trombone makes the brass sound too high-pitched at times. Further reports that bass player Derek Gibbs has been hungrily eyeing the keyboardist have yet to be confirmed.