US Downplays All-Out War With China

At a hastily organised press conference earlier today, the White House assured US citizens that the recent declaration of complete and total war with China is no cause for alarm, despite concerns that the situation will likely result in the death of the modern world and usher in a new age of fear and intimidation, no matter the victor. “This is all part of modern diplomacy,” said an unshaven, clearly sleep-deprived Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, brushing some plaster off his jacket as it fell from the ceiling. “China and the US each have our own interests and need to defend them, and sometimes that means declaring war without mercy, until the children’s children of our enemy are wiped from the face of the earth. This whole thing’s probably gonna blow over real soon.” Following this comment, Gibbs momentarily glanced at the ceiling as if listening for something distant, but soon waved it off.

It has been two days since Sino-US relations broke down completely, following rising tensions regarding the economy, US debt, trade policies and Barack Obama agreeing to meet with the Dalai Lama. Since the breakdown, both China and the US have made declarations of absolute war with each other, but US government officials maintain this is simply a precaution. US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates echoed Gibbs’ sentiments, speaking in front of an estimated 500 assembled tanks readying for deployment. “Trust me, soon we’ll all be looking back on this and laughing. I mean, sure, we have thousands of active nuclear warheads at our disposal. And sure, even though they only have a couple hundred, the devastation wreaked by even one would be catastrophic. But hey, when you look at it like… I mean… we probably won’t have to…” Gates’ eyes glazed over momentarily as he stared out over the cold efficiency of mechanised destruction that lay before him. “Sorry about that,” he said, recovering. “The message to take away here is that everything’s fine, really. In fact, it’s probably a good opportunity to spend some time with your family and loved ones. Y’know, cause it’s a pretty nice day, wouldn’t want to waste it.”

Sources are claiming that President Obama is currently in a secure undisclosed location with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, discussing nothing in particular, probably who will win the Super Bowl or something. By contrast, Vice-President Joe Biden has been given permission to freely roam the White House grounds.