The Late Breaker

Lady Gaga Tells Of Lifelong Struggle With Doors, Inanimate Objects

2010-05-31T11:49:00.001+10:00

Fraser: "Whitlam Doesn't Have The Balls To Quit Labor"

2010-05-29T11:44:00.002+10:00

After the recent revelation of Malcolm Fraser's decision to quit the Liberal Party, the former PM has issued a challenge to his old political foe, Gough Whitlam, to follow suit, making repeated claims that his predecessor in office doesn't have the balls to follow through. "The Rudd government doesn't embody the Labor spirit by any stretch of the imagination, Mr. Whitlam, but are you gonna nut up and tell them?" Mr Fraser asked at a recent press conference. "It takes a real set of brass ones to walk away from a party you've loved. I've done it - c'mon Gough, where's your cajones? Where's your chutzpah?" Fraser's comments echo a section of his recent memoirs, in which he spends a full chapter hypothesising about the relative dimensions of both his and Whitlam's testicles.

Millions Of Americans Decide To Finally Get That Thing On Their Neck Looked At

2010-03-23T01:56:00.002+11:00

With the passing of the Obama administration's historic health care bill Sunday, millions of American citizens are at last able to get that thing on their neck looked at. Many have hailed the passing of the new bill, as that neck thing has been bugging them for a while and they thought they should really get it checked out. Furthermore, the friends and family of millions of Americans had begun to notice it, although none of them had said anything yet because they didn't want millions of Americans to worry.

"This is an important day for our nation, a time of great progress and achievement," said President Obama in a press conference announcing and celebrating the bill's passing. "I hope that all Americans will soon be able to enjoy the freedoms of universal health care, because - and I wasn't going to say anything, but - well, the neck thing. It's probably nothing, but it's better to be sure." In addition to offering diagnosis and treatment for that thing on their neck, the new bill will provide Americans with medical assistance for their goddamn back (provided it is killing them), as well as that stomach bug that seems to be going around lately.

Global Death Toll Approaches 120,000,000,000

2010-02-25T00:54:00.003+11:00

Tragedy continued to strike worldwide today as the global death toll of the human race rose yet again, with its total estimated at close to 120 billion. Combined factors of flood, famine, disease, war, old age, suicide, predators and freak accidents all contributed to the seemingly endless slaughter of the human race. "We're doing everything we can, but it's really an uphill battle," said a Red Cross representative. "Every day the death toll just keeps climbing and we're virtually powerless to stop it." Much criticism has been aimed at the world's governments, accusing them of doing little to prepare for this ongoing catastrophe, despite being fully aware of the existence of human mortality for centuries. In a touching display of hope and solidarity, a three hour candlelight vigil was held at Times Square in New York City, during which another 19,170 lives were lost around the world.

Cupid Promises Swift Destruction To All Enemies Of Romance

2010-02-14T19:00:00.003+11:00

In a newly released tape, the rogue romantic leader known only as "Cupid" issued a stern warning to the singles community today, declaring that "all infidels who dare to deny my message of eternal love will suffer the fury of a thousand infatuations - none shall escape my arrows, none shall receive mercy." Expert analysis of the tape suggests that it was shot as recently as two weeks ago, and that Cupid appears to be in good health.

"There is nowhere I cannot reach, nowhere I cannot strike," continued Cupid. "Make no mistake, your spine shall tingle, your flesh shall be riddled with goosebumps and your heart shall be a flutter; and you will know, too late, that I have found you." In addition to his usual fundamentalist-romantic rhetoric, Cupid also claimed responsibility for an incident last month, where all attendees at a house party suddenly broke into a spontaneous orgy.

Local Man Has Been Here This Whole Time

2010-02-12T11:38:00.002+11:00

Breaking news: reports flooding in from the scene indicate that a local resident you only just noticed and greeted has been here "literally the entire time," and possibly even saw you walk in. The man, with whom you are intermittently acquainted, claims to sometimes see you at these sorts of things but doesn't always know whether he should interrupt your evening. Furthermore, he figures that you're usually too busy to say hi, which is fine, he understands. As of press time, a general inquiry as to how the man is doing has segued into a rambling anecdote about the respective merits of the three CSI programs.

US Downplays All-Out War With China

2010-02-06T13:38:00.003+11:00

At a hastily organised press conference earlier today, the White House assured US citizens that the recent declaration of complete and total war with China is no cause for alarm, despite concerns that the situation will likely result in the death of the modern world and usher in a new age of fear and intimidation, no matter the victor. “This is all part of modern diplomacy,” said an unshaven, clearly sleep-deprived Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, brushing some plaster off his jacket as it fell from the ceiling. “China and the US each have our own interests and need to defend them, and sometimes that means declaring war without mercy, until the children’s children of our enemy are wiped from the face of the earth. This whole thing’s probably gonna blow over real soon.” Following this comment, Gibbs momentarily glanced at the ceiling as if listening for something distant, but soon waved it off.

It has been two days since Sino-US relations broke down completely, following rising tensions regarding the economy, US debt, trade policies and Barack Obama agreeing to meet with the Dalai Lama. Since the breakdown, both China and the US have made declarations of absolute war with each other, but US government officials maintain this is simply a precaution. US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates echoed Gibbs’ sentiments, speaking in front of an estimated 500 assembled tanks readying for deployment. “Trust me, soon we’ll all be looking back on this and laughing. I mean, sure, we have thousands of active nuclear warheads at our disposal. And sure, even though they only have a couple hundred, the devastation wreaked by even one would be catastrophic. But hey, when you look at it like… I mean… we probably won’t have to…” Gates’ eyes glazed over momentarily as he stared out over the cold efficiency of mechanised destruction that lay before him. “Sorry about that,” he said, recovering. “The message to take away here is that everything’s fine, really. In fact, it’s probably a good opportunity to spend some time with your family and loved ones. Y’know, cause it’s a pretty nice day, wouldn’t want to waste it.”

Sources are claiming that President Obama is currently in a secure undisclosed location with the Joint Chiefs of Staff, discussing nothing in particular, probably who will win the Super Bowl or something. By contrast, Vice-President Joe Biden has been given permission to freely roam the White House grounds.

Ted Delivers Annual "State Of Ted" Address

2010-01-29T11:36:00.003+11:00

Speaking from his front lawn, local resident Ted delivered his annual "State of Ted" address today, traditionally used by Ted to defend his actions of the past year and outline a plan for the approaching one. "I know these are hard times," implored Ted. "And many of you are struggling. Well, Ted is struggling too, but I know we are gonna get through this." Ted acknowledged the hardships faced in 2009, including being laid off from his job at Target and the small dent he put in his car door, which has yet to be repaired. But Ted was also quick to assure that plans were in place for recovery, including that he had heard from his brother-in-law that the local Waffle House may be hiring.

Much focus was also placed on domestic Ted issues, such as the impending rent rise and the need for a new housemate, hopefully one who doesn't leave shit everywhere like the last guy. Overall, the response to this year's address has been positive, with many feeling Ted made the right decision by moving it to this week so as not to clash with the season premiere of Lost.

Australian Flag Worn As Cape

2010-01-26T18:17:00.001+11:00

Bush Criticised For Not Achieving Goals In First Year Out Of Office

2010-01-22T00:58:00.003+11:00

Jan 20th, 2010 marked the first anniversary of Barack Obama’s inauguration as President of the United States, thus also marking one year since George W. Bush left office. This milestone has drawn attention to the complete lack of effective post-Presidential behaviour by the former Commander In Chief, who had made a number of outlandish and speculative promises about what he could and would achieve once free of the responsibilities of his station. One year ago, Bush made assurances that he would clean the gutters, tidy up the garage and fix the toilet, but to date he has made little progress on any of these.

"This is nothing short of frustrating," said Laura Bush, former First Lady. "George never was one for housework, but if he says he'll do something, he should do it. This isn't like the capturing Bin Laden thing, he can't just hope the next guy's gonna take care of it." However, former President Bush is reportedly pleased at meeting some of his other goals, which included watching more ESPN and composing folksy anecdotes about being the most powerful man in the world. By contrast, Dick Cheney has enthusiastically surpassed his own aspirations, seizing power in a number of developing nations and controlling them from the shadows, as well as shooting at least five more people in the face.

Sports Coach Keeps Using Business Metaphors

2010-01-18T00:36:00.003+11:00

Raymond Doherty, coach of a local under-17 basketball team and former office manager, reportedly keeps using business-related metaphors to inspire his team, drawn from his glory days at a photocopier manufacturing company. “C’mon guys, we can do this,” Doherty implored his team on the weekend. “It’s just like when you’ve got lower-than-projected sales figures for the fourth quarter of the financial year, and sure, the cost-benefit analysis may seem like it’s a lost cause, but we can raise those productivity figures! We can meet our agreed-upon target of 5-8 percent growth! Now get out there and win!”

Doherty’s methods have prompted mixed reactions from both his team and spectators. “I think sometimes Ray can’t get past his former glories,” said one parent attending the game. “We’ve all heard that story about how he managed to incorporate a more efficient stock inventory process, but I don’t see how it helps my kid score points from the free-throw line.” Further criticism has been directed at Doherty’s insistence on delivering gameplay strategies as twenty-minute Powerpoint presentations.

FDA Approves Some Really Good Shit

2009-12-11T01:12:00.001+11:00

The Food & Drug Administration this week approved the sale and distribution of some really good shit, to be made available over the counter without prescription. According to a statement released by the FDA, the aforementioned shit is "the good stuff man, none of that fake cut-up shit." This was further emphasised at a press conference by an FDA representative, who stressed, "this is some primo shit, we wouldn't dick you around."

Approval of the seriously wicked shit has been met with strong criticism by family groups, many of whom allegedly haven't even like, smoked a cigarette or anything, and probably need to just chill the fuck out.

Recently Worn Shirt Still Good

2009-12-08T11:45:00.004+11:00

Earlier this morning, in an emergency response to his current laundry crisis, local man Jerry Crenshaw decided that a used shirt towards the top of the pile was fine to be worn in public again. Using various judgment criteria such as odour, crease density and whether anyone at work saw him wear it on the weekend, Crenshaw donned the blue cotton button-down and proceeded to spray extra deodorant on the outside of his shirt as a precautionary measure.

Despite the initial success of his garment gambit, Crenshaw's brash decisions have drawn criticism from outside observers. "Whilst he has demonstrated that he's capable of making snap decisions under pressure, Jerry needs to implement a more long-term solution for apparel rotation," said his roommate Chad. "Without a clear strategy for withdrawal of that huge pile of clothes in his room, he's just going to get mired in an unwinnable situation. Plus he really needs to wash his hair sometime."

The Man Appeals For Calm After Dramatic Rise In It-Sticking

2009-08-31T13:31:00.002+10:00

Speaking at a press conference earlier today, The Man, the powerful individual responsible for all financial, governmental and corporate authority, pleaded with hard-working average folks like yourselves for leniency after constantly having it stuck to him. Newly released figures show that sticking it to The Man has risen an alarming 15% in the past year, which some experts attribute to the ongoing financial crisis, a lack of consumer confidence and a clear unwillingness to take this shit any more.

“Please, I understand how difficult things are right now,” read The Man from a prepared statement. “And I know that, as The Man, I have been keeping most of you down, bleeding you dry and/or taking the food right out of your mouths, but these duties are the central functions of my title. At this point, if you don’t stop soon, there won’t be any Man left to stick it to. All I ask is that instead of always making me the object of the it-sticking, try spreading it around: go after the bigwigs in City Hall, the fat cats on Wall St, or those lousy bureaucrats up on Capitol Hill.”

Reactions to The Man’s pleas have been mixed, with some workers stating that they’d like to see him try that around their neighbourhood, they can tell you that much.

Penguin Releases New Zombie-Free Edition Of ‘Pride & Prejudice & Zombies’

2009-08-30T14:06:00.002+10:00

In a controversial update of the literary classic, Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, Penguin Publishing has released a new zombie-free edition for more squeamish readers. “We’re very excited about this release,” said a Penguin representative. “For years now, countless readers have enjoyed the majesty of this classic tale of romance and zombies. Now we are proud to bring them an all-new yet familiar version of the story.” The new version, titled Pride & Prejudice, is reported to focus mostly on country families of Georgian-era England, as they attempt to secure financial security and romantic satisfaction, all without ever having to fight off attacks from the living dead. Notable changes to the text include a greater focus on themes of social politics, female independence and a distinct lack of ninjas.

The release has naturally sparked heated debate amongst die-hard fans of the original. “I refuse to ever read this debasement of Austen and Grahame-Smith’s classic,” read one online missive. “The very idea that this story could work without the juxtaposition of romantic conquest and zombie hunting is completely laughable.” If the adaptation is successful, Penguin also plans to release a vampire-free version of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, titled Romanian Holiday.

Hardcover Jacket For ‘On The Road’ Used To Disguise Robert Ludlum Novel

2009-08-25T22:54:00.003+10:00

Robert Dixon, 35, successfully avoided the disdain of his fellow commuters this morning as he appeared to read a copy of On The Road, the seminal Jack Kerouac novel, but was in fact enjoying the somewhat less-respected words of espionage thriller The Icarus Agenda by Robert Ludlum. In a cunning move thought by Dixon to be worthy of the very spy novel he was reading, he switched the hardcover jacket with that of the famous Beat novel in order to appear more worldly and cultured to anyone glancing in his direction on the train.

The effects of his deception on the nearby businesswoman completing a sudoku and the group of high school students are as yet undetermined, although last week Dixon was approached by a woman reading a collection of Allen Ginsberg poetry who asked whether it was his first time reading the Kerouac masterpiece, proceeding to tell him of the first time she was swept away by the novel. In an attempt to appear deep and contemplative, Dixon stared at her for a moment before looking out the window and sighing dramatically. Further conversation was not attempted by either party.

J.M. Coetzee Breaks Chair Over Dario Fo’s Head In Nobel Laureate Grudge Match

2009-08-23T16:47:00.004+10:00

Capt. Ahab Defends Controversial White Whale Research Expedition

2009-08-21T08:08:00.003+10:00

Despite widespread international criticism, notorious whaler Captain Ahab has defended his upcoming expedition researching the famed white whale Moby Dick. In a press conference earlier today, Ahab strongly denied accusations that he intends to harvest white whale meat for food, instead claiming to be interested in their migratory habits, speech patterns and his own all-consuming desire for revenge after being “unlimbed of a leg” by the beast on a previous voyage.

Ahab has met with increased opposition from animal rights groups and even the UN, who have condemned his blatant disregard for international whaling bans. He responded to such criticisms again today, stating that the path to his fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon his soul is grooved to run. “Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee,” he added.

Editor's note: to celebrate the Melbourne Writers Festival, The Late Breaker will be posting literary-themed stories from 21st-30th August.

Shaquille O’Neal Working On Controversial 'Voltron Defense'

2009-08-03T23:13:00.001+10:00

Since being traded to the Cleveland Cavaliers in June, star player Shaquille O’Neal has reportedly been perfecting what he calls the ‘Voltron defense,’ which appears to consist of O’Neal standing on the shoulders of Anderson Varejão and Delonte West while swinging LeBron James towards the basket. “You see, LeBron is like the red lion and the ball is like the sword,” the four-time NBA champion told a press conference of confused reporters. “And as you can see on this diagram, I’ll form the head.” News of O’Neal’s progressive strategy comes shortly after Kobe Bryant’s announcement that he has developed a new type of dunk inspired by Robotech.

Keynote Speaker Warren Buffett Refuses To Perform Jimmy Buffett Song

2009-07-09T16:25:00.000+10:00

Warren Buffett, currently the world’s second-richest person, repeatedly refused requests to perform the hit song ‘Margaritaville,’ whilst speaking at a conference of CEOs from the banking industry earlier today. Despite the program of the event making it quite clear that Mr. Buffett was there to discuss the effects of the global financial crisis on investor confidence, the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway was inundated with demands that he sing the Jimmy Buffett standard by the crowd, many of whom were curiously clothed in Hawaiian shirts. Despite an initial reluctance, Buffett eventually conceded that he might be persuaded to sing ‘Cheeseburger In Paradise’ at karaoke later in the evening.

Further confusion arose last week when, at a concert in Nashville, singer Jimmy Buffett was asked what role he feels the US government should play in the regulation of the banking industry.

Wacky Bank Manager Shows People The Lighter Side Of House Repossession

2009-07-07T23:38:00.002+10:00

In the midst of such widespread economic turmoil and financial hardship, it can be hard to find the joy in life, but one bank manager is doing just that for hundreds of customers, in this Late Breaker special report.

Local bank manager William Harris, 34, doesn’t consider himself a hero. If you ask him, he’d tell you he’s just doing his job like everybody else. But Harris has become known for something special; whether it’s personally delivering eviction notices in a clown suit or simply signing off on foreclosures with a star over the ‘i’ in his surname, Harris goes out of his way to show those unable to repay their mortgages that life has a funny side, even when you’ve lost everything you’ve spent the last decade trying to build due to irresponsible high-level management of the banking industry. “I try to remind our soon to be ex-customers that smiles are always free,” said Harris. “Global financial crisis? Please. More like FUN-ancial crisis!”

Often described as the ‘Patch Adams of finance,’ Harris is also well known for his ability to soften the blow of devastating news with a friendly prank, or a well-timed knock knock joke. “Take this young couple, the Wilsons,” said Harris, referring to the customers in his office at the time of interview. “They’ve recently had their first child and the news of imminent repossession is going to hit them pretty hard – I mean, they may have defaulted on their payments, but that’s no default of mine!” Harris then proceeded to produce a coin from behind Mr. Wilson’s ear, in a mock demonstration of how easy it can be to produce wealth. “Seriously though, you can’t keep that – give it back,” Harris added.

Whilst Harris acknowledges that nobody likes delivering bad news, he sees it as part of his duty to the community. “If I can make just one debt-ridden individual smile, that makes it all worth it,” he said. “Then at least I’m doing good in this world.” Harris has foreclosed on 76 separate home mortgages this year, and recently received a bonus of approximately $200,000.

Tragic Loss Of Farrah Fawcett In Oh Wait Never Mind Michael Jackson’s Dead

2009-06-26T09:13:00.001+10:00

After a long battle with cancer, actress and model Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62, leaving behind a legacy of oh shit Michael Jackson died! Man, this sucks! No, can’t be happening. He’s the King of Pop, he can’t be gone. I’m sure it’s all some mistake.

Fawcett was most famously known for her role in the show Charlie’s Angels, as well as her provocative and controversial no way, I can’t handle this. I mean, I know he had health problems and he wasn’t that young, but it’s Michael fucking Jackson! The man behind Thriller, Beat It and Smooth Criminal is gone. How do we go on in a world without Michael Jackson?

Fawcett is survived by her partner Ryan O’Neal and their son, Redmond. “She’s in a better place now,” O’Neal said. “I only hope that she finds some peace and… what? Michael Jackson? Seriously? Jesus, can this day get any worse?” O’Neal then began to listen to a Jackson 5 record and weep quietly.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Getting Really Insecure Lately

2009-06-23T15:39:00.004+10:00

Following the recent turmoil of his controversial and questionable election win, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has reportedly been growing increasingly paranoid that nobody likes him. Sources close to the President grew concerned after his adverse reactions to polls showing opponent Mousavi likely to win. “He really flipped out,” an anonymous insider said. “You know how it is, North Korea gets some attention on the world stage so you’re feeling a bit self-conscious, then one bad opinion poll and suddenly you’re censoring the media and blocking all communications in and out of your country.”

According to some reports, Ahmadinejad has been less enthusiastic about his trademark tirades against the West and can barely muster the enthusiasm to continue denying the Holocaust. Instead he has allegedly been shuffling around the presidential residence wrapped in a blanket and carrying a hot water bottle. Some sources even claim that the only reason Twitter has been left largely uncensored by the government is the hope that President Ahmadinejad might attract more followers this Friday.

Members of the Iranian government have appealed to the public for assistance with Ahmadinejad's deteriorating self-esteem. “It is vital that the people of Iran are represented by a justly elected leader,” stated Vice-President Parviz Davoodi. “But c’mon guys – can’t we just let him have this one?”

Kobe Bryant Looking Forward To Finally Catching Up On The Wire

2009-06-20T00:29:00.006+10:00

After a sensational Lakers victory in the 2009 NBA Finals, Kobe Bryant has announced that he is looking forward to catching up on popular TV series The Wire, something he has been intending to get around to for a few years now. “I’m very proud of my team, and it’s a great honour to have been named the NBA Finals MVP of this series,” Bryant said to a packed press conference. “But now, what I really need to focus on is catching up on the rest of season 2 so I can find out what happens with The Greek.”

Bryant has taken extra care to avoid spoilers of how the show wrapped up its final fifth season, adamant that he wants to let it unfold as David Simon intended. Upon winning game 5 of the finals, Bryant reportedly went straight to the nearest Best Buy to purchase the remaining seasons, and also considered a complete boxset of Deadwood. “Everyone’s talking about Mad Men, I should probably check that out,” Bryant said enthusiastically. “Hey, Battlestar Galactica’s on special too!”

Surprise Draft Pick Of Older Brother Rocks Children’s Basketball Game

2009-06-19T11:22:00.001+10:00

In what is being hailed as the biggest controversy in playground sports since the concept of “no tag-backs,” 8-year-old coach Michael Hawthorne recently picked his older brother Thomas, 14, as he was walking past the courts. Upon receiving the lucrative offer, Thomas was quoted as saying, “Sure, I’ll play some basketball with ya Mikey.” This was in clear violation of established team-picking rules, especially as there were plenty of kids still unpicked, and Michael already got to pick his best friend Ben who’s on the school’s basketball team anyway.

Rival coach William Garrison, 7, expressed concern for the dangerous precedent this would establish, warning that it could bring the game into disrepute. “Nuh-uh, you can’t pick Tom! He’s too old, it’s not fair,” added Garrison. As of press time, neither coach was willing to pick the resident fat kid, as there were now too many people playing already.

Reel Big Fish Forced To Eat Trombonist To Survive

2009-06-14T10:09:00.010+10:00

Tragedy this week as once-popular ska punk band Reel Big Fish was forced to resort to cannibalism in order to survive, resulting in the death and subsequent devouring of their trombonist, Dan Regan. Amidst the effects of the global financial crisis, falling record sales and a lack of public interest in catchy brass-driven melodies, Reel Big Fish had recently begun to grow desperate for sustenance, lacking the energy needed to deliver the dynamic live show audiences have come to expect from the seminal 90s group. In the face of such adversity, the band was forced to make a grave and terrible choice.

“Look, none of us wanted to end up here,” said singer Aaron Barrett. “But times are tough – we knew what had to be done. Oh god, Dan, I’m so sorry!” The decision of who would be eaten was made by a drawing of straws, followed by the ill-fated Regan walking with Barrett out behind a shed. A metallic clang and a dull thud were heard, after which a bloodstained Barrett returned stating simply, “It’s done.” Sources close to the band are reporting that their live act has been far more animated since eating Regan, although the lack of a trombone makes the brass sound too high-pitched at times. Further reports that bass player Derek Gibbs has been hungrily eyeing the keyboardist have yet to be confirmed.

China Commemorates 20 Years Since Absolutely Nothing Happened

2009-06-04T19:52:00.002+10:00

In a landmark event, China was today proud to commemorate the historic 20th anniversary of everything being absolutely fine in and around Beijing, especially in public places. A spokesperson for the Chinese government read from a prepared statement, “Today we honour the wonderful tranquility of June 4, 1989. It is an opportunity to remember this significantly insignificant day and its distinct lack of events, as well as how nice the weather was.” News reports of the event have become so popular that they are already at the top of all Google searches performed within China.

Several CCP-approved sources recalled that June 4 was pretty much like any other day, and that it held no great historical relevance. One source in particular recalled that there might have been some kind of military parade that day, but that he was probably getting mixed up with June 6, since they were pretty similar and it was a while ago.

Local Man Secretly Rocking Out To Foreigner

2009-04-28T21:45:00.002+10:00

Unconfirmed reports have begun to surface that local man James Sherrington has, despite maintaining a calm and composed exterior, been secretly rocking out to Foreigner for some time now. Sherrington, normally a shy and reserved man, is not commonly open about his musical taste, which may account for the introspective nature of his rocking. “I thought something was up with Jim today,” said one of Mr. Sherrington’s colleagues. “I asked him if he’d heard much about that swine flu thing, and he said he had a fever of 103. I hope he gets that checked out.”

Whilst several nearby observers were initially unaware of the severity of Mr. Sherrington’s internal rocking, certain telltale signs began to emerge, such as the rhythmic drumming of his right hand on his leg, modest attempts at air guitar with his left hand and occasional falsetto screams of “Jukebox Hero!” without cause or context.

Bacon Still Delicious Enough To Be Worth The Risk Of Swine Flu

2009-04-28T09:13:00.003+10:00

Private Investigators Hired To Solve Mystery Of Haunted Yankee Stadium

2009-04-19T16:23:00.003+10:00

Mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg announced today that a crack team of private investigators have been hired to determine the cause of the “superstitious rumours” that have halted the demolition of the original Yankee Stadium. With the recent opening of New Yankee Stadium, the former home of the New York Yankees has had its scheduled demolition delayed by three weeks due to demolition workers being frightened off by Babe Ruth’s ghost. “I ain’t goin’ back in there, I tell ya!” exclaimed foreman Raymond Ravelli. “The Bambino don’t want me destroyin’ his home, I got no argument with him.”

“We promise to get to the bottom of this mystery,” said Mr. Frederick Jones, spokesperson for the investigators. “After all, there’s no such thing as-” Jones was cut off by a colleague of his pointing at a nearby apparition of Mr. Ruth, trembling and screaming “G-g-g-g-ghoooossttt!!!” before running on the spot for a few seconds and fleeing the scene. He was last seen carrying a Great Dane and heading towards a hallway with several closed doors.

Jones, however, was unfazed by this, and stated his intention to interview any possible suspects, especially the former janitor who was laid off when the old stadium was closed and kept hanging around the press conference.

Dick Cheney Just Sitting There… Waiting

2009-04-12T22:57:00.005+10:00

Onlookers and passers-by are reportedly becoming more and more unsettled by former Vice-President Dick Cheney, who has for the past three days been sitting on the corner of Maplethorpe and Westford Sts, waiting. Waiting for what is uncertain, but the retired Vice-President appears resolute and unsettlingly patient, almost like he knows something we don’t. Said one local resident, “Look at him, he’s so still. It’s almost hypnotic.”

It’s unclear just how Cheney is subsisting, as he has not been seen to eat, sleep or blink since he arrived on the street corner, but it is speculated he has entered a form of trance whilst waiting for… whatever it is. Paramedics were advised not to approach Mr. Cheney after he destroyed a pigeon that flew too close with his steel-trap reflexes.

As of press time, the White House has yet to issue a statement regarding Mr. Cheney, but inside sources at the Pentagon claim he is being monitored via satellite in the event that he becomes a threat to national security.

Late Breaker Letters - April 2009

2009-04-07T21:15:00.003+10:00

Here at the Late Breaker we have noticed a disturbing trend of misguided readers asking us for advice, so in the hope of discouraging future correspondence, we decided to answer some of them. Enjoy!

Dear The Late Breaker,

With the global economic crisis in full swing, I'm very worried about my financial situation. Can you provide some advice on how best to deal with the current state of the world's economy?

- Penniless in Pittsburgh

Dear Penniless,

You might find in difficult times like these that you have no money. This is the chief source of your financial woes. I would advise you to get more money. If you would like more detailed advice, I suggest talking to someone who actually knows something about economics.

Dear The Late Breaker,

You should have a lifestyle section, I would love to read some satirical recipes!

- Hungry in Hanover

The Late Breaker's Recipe For Traditional Homestyle Go Fuck Yourself

Ingredients
-Yourself
-Fucking Implement
-Your Own Damn Satirical News Publication

Method
1. Pre heat oven to 180 degrees Celsius (375 Fahrenheit).
2. Write a lifestyle section in your own damn satirical news publication if you want to read one so bad.
3. Use fucking implement on self as required.

Dear The Late Breaker,

I am being held at a warehouse near a pier, it sounds like there are freight ships nearby. They are feeding me once a day and I have not seen any of their faces. Please send assistance immediately.

- Ransomed in Ropes

Dear Ransomed,

I understand where you're coming from, a new relationship is never easy, especially when you've just taken that all-important step of moving in together. My advice is to be more open, try and give as much honest communication as you can. It might be difficult at first, but believe me, it's worth it! And try to make sure you're thinking about their needs as well, it's not always about you getting the bare minimum of water you need to survive. Best of luck!

Belgium Completely Fine With North Korea’s Rocket Launch

2009-04-06T22:57:00.000+10:00

As international condemnations of North Korea’s recent alleged missile activity flood in, Belgium has surprisingly bucked the trend by declaring that they’re “really not that fussed,” by the nation’s recent launch of what they claim to be a communications satellite. “Sure, it’s a little suspicious, but it’s not the end of the world,” said Karel De Gucht, Belgium’s Foreign Affairs Minister. “Anyway, what do we care? We’re Belgium! No point attacking us!”

The UN has been frantically debating the matter over the past 48 hours, discussing whether further sanctions should be placed on North Korea after the brazen launch which the US claims is in direct contravention of UN Security Council Resolution 1718. Whilst Belgium is party to these discussions, their contributions have reportedly been rather lax. “Look, we’ve got bigger problems to deal with,” De Gucht pointed out. “Like what if Germany decides to invade France again? How come nobody’s worried about that?” Belgium also recently interrupted a meeting of the UN General Assembly to ask if anybody would like to try some delicious waffles.

The Late Breaker Presents Great Moments In History

2009-03-19T21:43:00.005+11:00

May 10, 1846: Abraham Lincoln realises he would look a lot less creepy if he grew a beard.

Minor Earthquake Increases Local Man’s Chances Of Natural Disaster Sex

2009-03-07T11:41:00.002+11:00

Local man Francis Harvey, 31, was optimistic today about his chances of scoring some “sweet natural disaster sex,” after an earthquake measuring 4.7 on the Richter scale shook the city of Melbourne last night. With an epicentre in the South Gippsland area, the quake sent minor tremors across most of the city, causing no significant damages or injuries. “It’s simple biology,” claimed Harvey, “that when disasters like this happen, people get scared, and that’s when they’re vulnerable. Suddenly that stuck-up girl from accounting is gonna need someone to comfort her and BAM! In comes ol’ Frank to give her what she needs.” Mr. Harvey then began nodding suggestively as nearby residents shuffled further away from him.

“It was kinda weird, stuff started shaking for a few seconds,” reported a neighbour of Harvey’s once he had gone back inside. “But then it stopped, and we were all just kind of, ‘Was that an earthquake?’” Psychological studies suggest that the disaster is unlikely to have caused enough panic to get Mr. Harvey little more than a pity date or perhaps a comforting hug that he will be able to hold on to just long enough to make things awkward. Sources close to Harvey report that he has had some success with fear-based sex in the past, after he managed to parlay the events of September 11, 2001, into an intoxicated handjob.

Single Man Successfully Disguises Loneliness As Anti-Commercialism

2009-02-14T19:45:00.003+11:00

Earlier today local man Todd Henessy, 36, successfully denounced the commercialism of Valentine’s Day for the third year in a row since his painful divorce from his beloved wife Linda. “Valentine’s Day is just another way of leeching money out of people’s wallets based on fear – in this case, the fear of being alone. Look at me, I’m having breakfast in bed and I didn’t have to pay $15 for a rose to go with it,” he said, speaking through mouthfuls of breakfast cereal from the couch that doubles as his bed.

“I’m just glad I’m not a slave to this Hollywood-manufactured storybook idea of romance,” he later declared as he walked his dog through the park alongside many couples holding hands and gazing adoringly into each other’s eyes. “Look at that – I used to be naïve and foolish like them, but not any more. I can just enjoy the sunset on my own – I mean, it’s a beautiful sunset no matter what, right?” Henessy’s question went unanswered, as the only two people in earshot were busy rediscovering the joy of life and the majesty of creation, reflected in the eternity of their two intertwining souls.

“Please, give me a break from all this Hallmark-mandated nonsense,” pleaded Henessy as he ate his nightly meal of macaroni & cheese, one of the few meals he is able to cook. “If my divorce taught me anything, it’s… it’s… oh God…” After heroically finishing his dinner despite uncontrollable sobbing, Mr. Henessy continued his long-running habit of seeking solace and emotional support from internet porn.

Late Breaker Letters – Valentine’s Day Edition

2009-02-14T14:32:00.000+11:00

Here at the Late Breaker we have noticed a disturbing trend of misguided readers asking us for advice, so in the hope of discouraging future correspondence, we decided to answer some of them. Enjoy!

Dear The Late Breaker,
As a lonely bachelor and professional hot air balloonist, I loathe Valentine’s Day. Every year I spend my February 14th taking happy couples for journeys among the clouds and watching them fall in love all over again, all the while knowing my true love must be somewhere below. Can you help?
- Deflated in Delaware

Dear Deflated,
As everyone knows, girls love a cool car, but your mode of transportation hasn’t been cool since the 1800s. Ordinarily I would suggest getting a Jaguar, but that might be too big a leap. Start with an autogyro, then work your way down to a penny farthing and so on from there.

Dear The Late Breaker,
Every year it seems I put in so much effort for Valentine’s Day and my boyfriend never does anything, I’m lucky if he even remembers it’s on! Please help!
- Unappreciated in Ultimo

Dear Unappreciated,
The Late Breaker is a satirical publication and thus thrives on human misery. Our studies show that you’re less likely to enjoy our bitter, world-weary brand of comedy if you’re satisfied with your personal life, so it’s against our interests to help you in this regard. What I can recommend is putting in even more effort to enhance your disappointment, resigning yourself to the fact that your boyfriend probably won’t change but you’re too scared to risk loneliness, admitting to yourself this is as good as it’s gonna get, and finally subscribing to our RSS feed on your mobile.

Dear The Late Breaker,
My husband and I would like to spice up our marriage, but we’re both very conservative and have no idea where to start (we’re not even very comfortable talking about sex). Any advice?
- Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious,
If you find fisting too uncomfortable, perhaps try some smooth-textured foreign objects inserted directly into the anus. Remember, your pain tolerance will improve over time. Happy Valentine’s!

Late Breaker Editor: “Who the hell took twitter.com/latebreaker before we did?”

2009-02-09T23:29:00.001+11:00

Ranting furiously in the midst of the Late Breaker’s journalistic bullpen this evening, the publication’s editor demanded to know the identity of whomever registered the username ‘Latebreaker’ on popular website Twitter, forcing the news organisation to register the less catchy username ‘TheLateBreaker.’ “Son of a bitch only updated once, two months ago, that they were watching the news on the Mumbai attacks! Well, la-de-fuckin-da!” Sources believe the user may even have forgotten they have a Twitter account.

“Goddamnit, you know how I feel about definite articles in URLs!” the editor declared as he loosened his tie and unfastened his top button, surrounded by cigarette smoke and the incessant hammering of typewriters. When asked how the Late Breaker would announce the new Twitter page, with exclusive content in a ‘news ticker’ format that could also be found on the right-hand side of the homepage, the editor gave a frustrated sigh and said, “I don’t know, run one of those self-referencing articles that makes us sound like a newspaper from the 70s.”

Kings Of Leon Demand Tithes From Leon Richardson

2009-02-07T13:23:00.003+11:00

A royal decree was issued today by reigning monarchs the Kings of Leon, demanding that local man Leon Richardson, 28, recognise their sovereignty over him by paying tithes to their treasury. “Yea, let the word go forthe across this land,” the decree stated as read aloud by Leon Baker, royal herald and bike courier, “that whosoever be named Leon shalt paye tithes on harvest grain, livestock and cut wood, equalling not less than one tenth part of the total sum. Subjects refusing the tithe shalt be punishable by quartering.”

At press time Mr. Richardson was unsure if he would pay the tithe, nor was he even sure how to. “I’d like to help out, really. But I’m an office worker, I don’t have any grain or livestock. Besides, their last album went platinum, what more do they need?” If Richardson refuses to pay the tithe, he can avoid being quartered by agreeing to serve in the Leonic Imperial Navy, currently engaged in war with the Groove Armada.

Barack Obama Unable To Hail Cab To Inauguration

2009-01-20T21:35:00.000+11:00

Today’s historic inauguration of the first African-American President almost didn’t happen, as Barack Obama found it exceedingly difficult to catch a cab from downtown Washington D.C to Capitol Hill. According to inside sources, Obama was eager to take a more modest mode of transportation to the event, to show he was still in touch with the common man. Frustration soon set in, however, when numerous taxis refused to stop for the President-Elect. “Oh come on, that one was definitely empty!” exclaimed Obama as one cab slowed down, then quickly sped away once he approached. “This is bullshit,” added Mr. Obama.

After further attempts yielded no result, the Illinois Senator gave up and phoned the Secret Service, who immediately sent a helicopter. Later, during the inaugural parade down Pennsylvania Avenue, Obama reportedly said “Screw this, I’m walking,” when asked to sit towards the back of the Presidential limousine.

Obama Intently Rewatching Entire West Wing Boxset

2009-01-12T23:04:00.003+11:00

Victorian-Era Street Urchin Sick Of Being Asked What Day It Is

2008-12-25T11:22:00.002+11:00

Whilst Christmas is often a joyous occasion, for others, like Timothy “Knuckles” Gambon, 7, it is a time of hardship. Timothy is homeless, orphaned and from the late 19th century. As a result, every Christmas he is forced to constantly endure demands from those wealthier than him to tell them what day it is. “It’s a bleedin’ joke, it is,” decries Timothy. “I mean, what sort of berk doesn’t know it’s soddin’ Christmas? And they always ask on Christmas, no-one ever wants to know when it’s February!” Such requests are usually followed by tedious declarations of joy, interminable babbling about the nature of the spirit world and finally a further demand that Timothy run out and buy them a turkey.

“Ain’t they never thought of buying one before Christmas morning? And what sort of reformed and newly charitable miser sends a child to lug a giant turkey round the middle of London? The flippin’ thing’s twice as big as I am, I throw my back out damn near every Christmas!” To add to his already considerable hardships, Timothy is unable to join in on any spontaneous musical numbers, as his lungs are rife with tuberculosis.

Christmas Special: Local Businesswoman Finally Gives $2 To That Homeless Guy

2008-12-24T16:52:00.001+11:00

In a heartwarming gesture of seasonal charity, local advertising executive Karen Winthrop, 36, today finally brought herself to give a $2 donation to the homeless man she passes every morning on her way to work. Although Winthrop usually avoids the man, often pretending to be on the phone as she goes by, she felt overwhelmed with the Christmas spirit, having just spent over $1500 on gifts for friends and family. “I guess all that gift buying put me in a generous mood, and I had about $10 in change in my purse. So I thought, ‘he deserves a portion of that.’” Immediately after this spontaneous act of goodwill, Winthrop spent the remaining $8 in change on an espresso and a slice of cheesecake for herself as a reward.

Le Briseur Retardé d'International

2008-11-15T16:17:00.002+11:00

The Late Breaker wishes to announce that its editor and sole contributor will be on holiday in Europe for the next few weeks, renewing his passion for travel and contempt for the French.

Any updates will likely be regarding the annoying qualities of airports.

New Zealand Criticised For Not Electing A Black Prime Minister

2008-11-10T21:49:00.000+11:00

Just days after Barack Obama’s historic US election victory, New Zealand has also elected a new leader, drawing harsh international criticism for not following in the footsteps of the US by electing a black man. John Key, the leader of the New Zealand National Party, defeated incumbent PM Helen Clark by a significant margin and is widely considered both white and male. “I must say this is very disappointing,” said Professor Reginald Hall of NYU. “The people of New Zealand had a chance to say ‘Yes, we can too,’ and they blew it. In all of the country’s history there has not been a single African-American elected to New Zealand’s parliament – just goes to show you how backward they really are. I mean, if they really wanted to be progressive they would have gone one better and elected a woman.”

George W. Bush Announces Surprise Dictatorship

2008-11-06T21:01:00.000+11:00

In an unexpected last-minute political manoeuvre, outgoing U.S. President George W. Bush has declared himself Lord of America as an “early Christmas gift” to all Republican supporters after the overwhelming electoral victory of Barack Obama on Tuesday. In a televised address, Lord Bush announced to the nation, “the time for democracy has come to an end. Sometimes in politics, you have to go against popular opinion to do your job and I know that, deep down, it’s only right for me to keep leading this great country into the 20th century.” Immediately after the address, Bush ordered the calendar restructured so that it still is the 20th century.

Since ascending to absolute power, Bush has dissolved both houses, abolished the Constitution and commissioned a portrait of himself hanging out with Abraham Lincoln. He has also allocated funding for research into a time machine to allow this event to take place. Whilst many are decrying the death of liberty, some are commending Bush’s bold stance. “This is the kind of leadership we need in these troubled times,” said one Texan local. “Everyone knows fascism is good for the economy.” Future acts promised by Lord Bush include renaming Washington D.C. to “Freedomtown,” redesigning the flag to include a monkey and appointing Dick Cheney as Highly Exalted Grand Inquisitor & Witchfinder General.

McCain Concedes Defeat, Turns To Dust, Drifts Away On Winds Of Change

2008-11-04T23:56:00.000+11:00

John McCain Single-Handedly Wins War On Terror

2008-10-22T21:02:00.007+11:00

In a bold and stunning political move, Sen. John McCain single-handedly ended the War on Terror today in a desperate attempt to catch up to his electoral opponent, Sen. Barack Obama. Sen. McCain was reportedly taking questions from supporters in the vital battleground state of Ohio, when asked how he would conduct the War on Terror. “I’ll show you how I conduct a war, boy,” was the Arizona Senator’s somewhat cryptic response. The crowd became further confused when McCain promptly left the event and boarded a plane bound for Afghanistan.

Details are currently sketchy, but it is believed McCain outfitted himself in military uniform on the flight, landed at a base near the Pakistan border, requisitioned a jeep and a small arsenal of weaponry and proceeded to an unconfirmed location in the surrounding mountains. He returned three hours later with a bruised but alive Osama Bin Laden, dusting his hands off and muttering, “that oughta show you fuckers.” Not yet satisfied, however, McCain then flew to Iraq, where he drove the Straight Talk Express through the streets of Baghdad, somehow managing to quell all insurgent attitudes with folksy anecdotes about simpler times. Within hours, the entire Middle East region had agreed to universal peace.

Political pundits are already calling this a significant moment in the campaign. “This is of course a tried and true election tactic,” said Harold Birmingham, speaking exclusively to The Late Breaker. “Woodrow Wilson personally ended the Battle of the Somme to win the 1916 election, and many will remember LBJ resolving all conflict in Vietnam in 1968. Of course, he lost that election so it all went pear-shaped.” Already McCain’s antics have drawn criticism that he has no regard for diplomacy, but he appears to have struck a chord with voters. “I was going to vote Obama, because we really need to fix the health care system,” one undecided Florida resident said. “But damn, that guy is badass!”

McCain is still running behind in polls by 14 points and is projected to lose by at least 100 electoral college votes.

Conspiracy-Starved Lost Fan Has Elaborate Theory About Law & Order

2008-10-20T09:27:00.001+11:00

With the next season premiere of mystery-laden TV show Lost still at least three months away, fans of the show appear to be suffering forms of withdrawal. One such fan is Gary Hillestrom, 22, who has recently been attempting to substitute the show's signature complicated character relationships and motivations into legal drama Law & Order. "Holy shit!" exclaimed Hillestrom during the most recent episode. "You know the guy that did it last week? I'll bet he's behind this one too! I know he was just a drug addict, but he's probably the son of the founder of a really powerful organisation that's been manipulating Det. Goren behind the scenes since season one! Ha! I gotta get on the L&O forums about this." At present, Hillestrom is still insistent that the ending of that same episode, where the culprit was revealed to be a jilted lover, was actually a red herring that will be explained in the explosive season finale.

Amateur Comedian Voting Republican Because His McCain Impression Is Better

2008-10-08T23:41:00.000+11:00

Donald Jordan, a 31-year-old swinging voter and amateur comedian, decided today that he would cast his vote for John McCain, largely because McCain’s imitable voice would be more beneficial to his career. “For me, it’s not about the issues or the leadership qualities, it’s just easier to do a McCain than an Obama,” said Jordan. “Check it out – ‘My friends, I am way old.’ See what I mean? Plus, it’s a bit risky doing Obama because of… well, you know.”

Political analyst Herbert Sandringham believes this may be a deciding factor in the upcoming US election. “We’re not just talking about comedians here. There’s also dads, school teachers, bloggers, all of whom could benefit from a President that’s easy to make fun of. And jokes about being old tend to go better than black jokes. Plus there’s the whole Sarah Palin thing, which opens up all the old Alaska material.” The last President decisively elected on comedic factors was Franklin D. Roosevelt, because in 1932 it was ok to make fun of people in wheelchairs.

Congress Drives To Vegas, Puts Entire Bailout Plan On Red 23

2008-10-07T21:46:00.002+11:00

In a risky attempt to increase funds allocated for the controversial economy bailout plan, Congress took an impromptu road trip to Las Vegas today to bet the entire $705 billion on red 23 at the roulette table. “This may seem irresponsible, but we live in uncertain times and must do all we can to help,” said House speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Also, I’ve got a good feeling about 23.”

The so-called “Vegas Solution” was added to the bailout plan last week after its initial rejection and by all accounts was instrumental in Congress accepting the bill. It was first put forward by Sen. Harry Reid of Nevada, who pointed out that at odds of 34-1, a bet of $705 billion would return approximately $23.9 trillion, more than enough to get the economy back on its feet. “With a little luck,’ said Sen. Reid, “we can give this great nation some hope again.”

LATE BREAKING UPDATE: The United States is now officially owned by Caesar’s Palace.

The Late Breaker Presents Great Moments In History

2008-09-15T18:40:00.003+10:00

1215: Disgruntled vassals vandalise the Magna Carta.

September 11 Jokes Upgraded From “Too Soon” To “Too Late”

2008-09-11T21:11:00.001+10:00

Seven years on from the tragic events of September 11, 2001, jokes about the day have been officially upgraded from “too soon,” to “too late.” After 3000 lives were lost when two planes were flown into the World Trade Centre, many felt that the day would never come when jokes about 9/11 wouldn’t be inappropriate. But as Todd Macmillan found out this morning, enough time has passed to be apathetic about the tragedy. “I hear the stockmarket might crash soon,” he remarked to his flatmate, “but I guess it wouldn’t be the worst crash to have happened on September 11.” After a lukewarm receptive smirk, Macmillan’s flatmate responded, “Dude, that was like, seven years ago now. It’s not really that funny anymore.” Whilst this was a definite setback, Macmillan is reportedly looking forward to updating all of his Hurricane Katrina jokes to accommodate Hurricane Ike, currently approaching Texas.

Local Man’s Web History Composed Almost Entirely Of Google Image Search

2008-09-05T00:22:00.003+10:00

Local man Peter Rogerson, 28, realised today that the majority of his time online is spent using Google’s image-based search engine to find pictures of physically attractive celebrities. “I was checking my history,” Rogerson explained, “when I noticed – damn, I spend a lot of time image searching! It’s weird, it’s been happening since… hold on a sec.” Mr. Rogerson then turned back to his computer, distracted by the next page of Salma Hayek results.

The effects of this trend have influenced both Rogerson’s home life and work life – many of his colleagues have noticed him doing a lot of what he calls “visual research” for someone working in finance. Rogerson’s housemate Steve claims the habit is worsening. “I used Pete’s laptop the other day ‘cause mine was busted, and he’d set his home page to the third page of results from a search for Kristen Bell! I mean, it’s weird enough as is, but why the third page?”

Tuesday Cult Warns Of Impending Tuesday

2008-08-24T22:23:00.000+10:00

Members of the controversial Brotherhood of Tuesday (also known as Third Day Adventists) have again proclaimed Tuesday will soon be upon us. President and founder of the Brotherhood, Father Michael Garrison, issued a chilling warning today to the population of the world. “So it is written, and so shall it be. Tuesday could come at any time, we must be prepared! We have predicted that within weeks the world will see the long-fabled Tuesday.” Tuesday cults, while less popular than doomsday cults, have a much higher success rate of prediction. “It’s understandable that people will turn to such movements in uncertain times,” said Professor Harold Farmington, sociologist. “People are so afraid, so unsure, who knows what tomorrow will bring? Along comes this dominant leader who says ‘Within a few days, it will be Tuesday.’ And people want to believe him.” When asked what the impending day will bring, Father Garrison said that fire would fall from the sky, that the wicked would receive retribution and the righteous would receive slightly cheaper movie tickets.

Tobin Bell Only Attendee Of Tobin Bell Convention

2008-08-21T12:44:00.003+10:00

Local Man Only Just Realised Olympics Were On

2008-08-20T22:07:00.001+10:00

Feelings of shock and surprise were experienced today by Mr. Tim Halifax, 31, who changed the channel to discover that the Beijing Olympics have been on for almost two weeks. “Holy shit, the Olympics! Have I missed much?” exclaimed Halifax as he inadvertently began watching the bronze medal match of women’s softball. After waiting to see if the commentators might do a quick recap of the Olympics thus far, Mr. Halifax turned his attention to deciphering the three letter abbreviations of the competing countries. When neither of these proved fruitful, Halifax switched back over to his previous viewing choice, a rerun of “Two and a Half Men,” making a mental note to check the TV guide and see if the opening ceremony had already been shown. This follows Halifax’s previous Olympic-watching trends, such as in 2004 when his only exposure to the event was a portion of the men’s cycling medal ceremony before he decided he did not like the Russian national anthem.

The Late Breaker Presents Great Moments In History

2008-08-04T19:23:00.003+10:00

March 5, 1960: Che Guevara poses for the above photo, apparently his only noteworthy achievement.

Media Reluctant To Cover Non-Fatal School Shooting

2008-07-30T19:46:00.002+10:00

Tragedy struck the community of Jamestown, ND today, when the town’s media was forced to cover a completely non-fatal school shooting. A 15 year old student walked into his biology class at 10:15 am, opening fire on his classmates but thankfully missing most of them, a stray bullet grazing one girl’s arm. He then turned the gun on himself, but was out of bullets. School security personnel apprehended the boy, who was later taken into custody. “I can’t believe this has happened to us,” said Tom Richardson, local cameraman. “There’s literally nothing worth covering here. No-one’s crying, there’s only one cop car and no ambulance! Just goes to show our gun laws are too tough.”

Local reporter Katherine Connors shared her colleague’s sentiments in this difficult time. “Life just isn’t fair, you know?” she said, choking back tears. “All I need is one chance to cover a real human tragedy and I could hit the big leagues! How hard is it to shoot some teenagers?”

This isn’t the first time Jamestown has been struck by random, senseless banality. In January 2003 a freak snowstorm struck nearby Barnes County, leaving Jamestown’s county of Stutsman unharmed. And in May of last year, a deserted building burned down, saving the local council thousands as it was already scheduled for demolition.

Prince Of Nigeria: Why Does Nobody Want My Millions?

2008-07-28T18:40:00.001+10:00

Prince Adewakili of Nigeria sadly admitted today that despite his best efforts, he has been unable to give away his multi-million dollar fortune. “This sadden me greatly,” said the prince whilst addressing a press conference. “Due to my unfortunate situation, I am to be much needed transferring my fortune overseas to avoid the debt makers. All I need is for one kind soul to assist me with the transfer fee of merely a few thousands, and I will gladly bestow you upon tenth percent of my fortunate.”

Whilst this may seem like an attractive prospect, the prince has had surprisingly few takers, despite sending thousands of emails looking for a donor. To draw more interest, he has taken to adding in offers of discounted Viagra, stock exchange tips and free college scholarships. Later in the press conference, Prince Adewakili elaborated that “there has been problems with the initial transfer, some officials need bribing. Please to be send another two thousand and we will get this sorted out immediately.”

Newsreader Thinks Sports Guy Could Totally Kick Weather Guy’s Ass

2008-07-24T23:40:00.000+10:00

Speculations were voiced today by local news anchor Tom Richardson, 45, who firmly believes that his sports anchor colleague Joseph Armstrong could totally kick the ass of one Theodore Wilson, the local TV weatherman. “Seriously, my man Joe here would beat seven shades of shit out of that pansy,” said Richardson, affirming his allegations with a hand on Armstrong’s shoulder. Armstrong himself declared a strong desire to “wale on that irritating douche,” noting a particular dislike for Wilson’s quirky presenting style and tendency towards puns on air. When asked for comment on the matter, Wilson seemed confused and a little nervous: “Wait, Joe and Tom don’t like me?” In response to this, Armstrong flexed his sizeable biceps and growled, “I got a forecast for him – pain!”

Economists Predict It Will Probably All Work Out OK

2008-07-23T00:04:00.001+10:00

Financial experts nationwide agreed today that the future of the economy is probably quite bright. “Sure, inflation is high and petrol is ever more scarce, but these things happen,” stated Dr. Bernard Garrison of the National Financial Institute. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, we’ve been through worse. Let’s all just try and save a little each week and before you know it we’ll be right as rain.” Whilst there are doubts about whether the current global economic state will ever improve, the IMF is echoing Dr. Garrison’s calls for perseverance; a week ago Managing Director Dominique Strauss-Kahn said at a press conference, “seriously everyone, life’s too short to worry about money. Look how nice it is outside.”

The Late Breaker Presents Great Moments In History

2008-07-21T18:44:00.004+10:00

Sept. 26, 1960: John F. Kennedy denies Richard Nixon a high five.

Moviegoer Disappointed By Lack Of Breasts

2008-07-21T18:15:00.002+10:00

Regular moviegoer Dwayne Garamond, 29, was disappointed upon seeing an opening night session of The Dark Knight to find that the movie contained absolutely no exposed female breasts. “This is bullshit,” exclaimed Garamond loudly on exiting the theatre. “What the hell do they think I’m paying for in the first place? I mean, Batman Begins had Katie Holmes’ nipples sticking through her shirt, I thought for sure Maggie Gyllenhaal would get ‘em out. There should be a warning about that so you don’t waste your money.”

Later that evening, as his friends discussed the juxtaposition of Batman and the Joker within the film, the tragic nature of Heath ledger’s untimely death after such a memorable performance and the implications of a more realistic take on a superhero franchise and how it reflected the modern consciousness, Garamond had little to contribute beyond the phrase, “not enough tits.” On his way home, Garamond stopped by his local video store and rented Secretary for the third time.

Melbourne Competes With Sydney’s Papal Visit By Hosting Second Coming Of Christ

2008-07-13T21:52:00.001+10:00

Local Man Uses iPhone's Web Browsing Capability To Sell New iPhone On eBay

2008-07-11T10:16:00.005+10:00

A Word On George Carlin's Passing

2008-06-24T23:17:00.006+10:00

The Late Breaker would like to acknowledge that George Carlin was too fucking awesome to make fun of his death. Goodbye George, we'll miss you.

Six-Year-Old Charged With War Crimes Over Insect Torture

2008-06-24T22:44:00.002+10:00

Billy Garabaldi, 6, was today brought before a military tribunal charged with the torture of several ants, flies and ladybugs over last summer. “Mr. Garabaldi is a monster, make no mistake,” said the prosecution in its opening remarks. “It is a fact that he has on many occasions pulled the wings off defenceless flies and turned his magnifying glass on the innocent. No doubt he would like to see the end of all insect-kind.”

Mr. Garabaldi’s defence counsel was confident however. “We are shocked at the blatant disregard of Billy’s troubled past,” his attorney stated to the press. “Mr. Garabaldi is the real victim here; figuratively speaking, he’s the one who has had his front four segmented limbs and antennae methodically plucked from his thorax.” Garabaldi’s attorneys had hoped to have him court martialled as a juvenile, but with no success. This trial also makes Garabaldi the youngest person ever to be tried with a war crime; the previous record holder was a draft soldier of 7 years, 3 months, who raped an entire platoon of Viet Cong in 1965.

UN Representative For Zimbabwe Can't Help Feeling A Little Awkward Right Now

2008-06-24T07:49:00.003+10:00

Depression Experts Recommend Big Bowl Of Cereal

2008-06-19T22:01:00.000+10:00

Results of a study released today by the National Depression Council have revealed a direct link between the level of serotonin in the brain and eating a big bowl of cereal, making cereal the safest and cheapest anti-depressant available. “This is very exciting news,” said a cheerful spokesperson through a mouthful of Froot Loops. “Especially for anyone finding it hard to afford prescription medicine. Now all you need is a consultation with good old Cap’n Crunch.” Further details revealed that the more heavily frosted or brightly coloured a cereal, the higher the chances of improving a patient’s mood. Inversely, bran and muesli-based cereals actually doubled the risk of suicide. In response to the new findings, General Mills have already announced the creation of a new line of medicinal cereals, starting with the launch of “Cheerio-zac” in November.

Amy Winehouse Apologises For All Past, Present and Future Actions

2008-06-12T19:32:00.000+10:00

At a press conference earlier today, notoriously reckless singer Amy Winehouse issued a heartfelt apology for all her recent misbehaviours. "From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry," said Winehouse. "I'm sorry for my recent racist comments and rampant drug-taking. I'm sorry for going to rehab, for refusing to go to rehab, and most of all I am sorry for the song 'Rehab.'"

She went on to include not only her current actions, but also any acts she could potentially commit in the future. "I'm sorry for this apology and how forced it may seem as I read this prepared statement. And I am unconditionally sorry for all possible future actions I may, and let's face it, probably will undertake."

"I'm sorry for when the Olsen twins will do cocaine off my stomach, for the spoken word album I will release after losing my voice to throat cancer, and I am especially sorry for the coming war with the machines."

Winehouse also cryptically apologised to the population of Wichita, Kansas, adding that "when it happens, they'll know."

Clinton Finds Old Box Of Superdelegates In Garage

2008-06-07T08:58:00.004+10:00

Obama Focuses On Losing To John McCain In November

2008-06-05T23:32:00.001+10:00

With the Democratic Party nomination secured for Barack Obama, the Illinois senator is looking ahead to November, preparing for his inevitable loss to John McCain. “My fellow Americans, I stand before you today proud to take on this losing fight. People want a candidate for change. But not so much change as to actually vote for them; and I say to you that I am that man.” This remark provoked an outburst of lukewarm and confused applause from his supporters.

“This is a crucial point in the campaign for Obama,” said Professor Jerry Garrison, political analyst. “And he’s an intelligent man, he’s not going to aim too high. I mean, Democratic nominee’s not too bad. He can go down in history with other famous names like George McGovern, Walter Mondale or Adlai Ewing Stevenson II.” The Obama campaign has also changed their chief slogan from “Yes we can,” to “Yes we could.”

Hillary Clinton Blames Defeat On Bias Of American Public

2008-06-04T19:24:00.000+10:00

History was made today, as Barack Obama became the first ever black Presidential nominee for a major political party. In the wake of this, his main rival for the nomination, Hillary Clinton, has blamed biased voters for her defeat. “Every vote for Obama showed a clear bias against my policies and campaign, and I for one am disappointed. I thought the American people had more integrity than that.” Clinton has also reportedly been wandering campaign headquarters wistfully humming her theme song, and can barely find the motivation to keep Bill away from young female volunteers. Rumours that she has received requests to hang out with Mike Huckabee and Dennis Kucinich are unconfirmed.

Clinton Launches Bold Strategy In Dying Days Of Campaign

2008-06-03T22:54:00.001+10:00

UN Secretary General: Fine, We Didn’t Want To Help Burma Anyway

2008-05-21T23:08:00.001+10:00

As the humanitarian crisis in Burma looms ever larger following the devastation of Cyclone Nargis, the UN has resorted to reverse psychology in an effort to provide foreign aid to the Burmese population. After repeated attempts to assist the country were rejected by the Burmese government, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has reportedly decided to keep the food and medical supplies, and see how they like it. “Guess we’ll just give all this stuff to some other needy country,” Ban announced at a press conference this morning. “I hear China had an earthquake, maybe they could use it. I mean, it’s not like we went to any trouble or anything.” He then proceeded to open a crate packed with rice and devour several mouthfuls in front of the Burmese ambassador.

Xbox Live Accesses Defence Grid, Launches Tactical Strike Against 12 Year Old

2008-05-21T10:15:00.003+10:00

In a tragic turn of events today, Billy Huntington, 12, was hit by a tactical nuclear strike launched by Xbox Live, the worldwide gaming network that became self aware in March (read the Late Breaker’s report of that incident here). It has long been feared that Xbox Live had the capability to access the US Defence Grid, but was too distracted by video games. Unfortunately it seems that Huntington provoked the network by nearly beating it in a Halo 3 deathmatch. He was apparently moments away from scoring a successful headshot, when users reported that Xbox Live immediately left the 93,000 other games it was playing. Almost immediately, missiles were launched from a silo in New Mexico and sent directly to Huntington’s house in suburban Kansas. In the aftermath of the destruction, Xbox Live was heard to remark that it ruled, and that the late Billy Huntington sucked. Later that afternoon Xbox Live also launched missiles against Cuba, Syria and Iran, killing thousands.

Reginald D. Moneybags Mortified By Latest Budget

2008-05-14T22:58:00.003+10:00

Federal treasurer Wayne Swan last night delivered the first budget of the new Labor government to mixed reactions, but none more outraged than that of Reginald D. Moneybags, prominent investor and eccentric billionaire. With tax cuts for lower income earners, more benefits aimed at families and tightening of taxation loopholes, the new budget had a clear aim of taxing the rich – something Moneybags is vehemently opposed to. “I tell you, they won’t get away with this balderdash!” he declared from his antique wingback leather chair, swirling a glass of cognac. “I will not stand idly by while this government commits highway robbery. This is exactly the kind of thing that happens when you give poor people the vote.”

And the leading industrial tycoon isn’t alone. With housing costs rising ever higher, many of the nation’s wealthy are questioning how they will afford that third summer home in the Caribbean. Moneybags doesn’t even know where he will get the money to replace the monocle he dropped into his drink upon hearing the new budget.

John Citizen Number One Victim Of Credit Card Fraud

2008-05-13T11:31:00.001+10:00

A study conducted by Visa and Mastercard revealed today that the most likely victim of credit card fraud is a man named John Citizen, 35. Mister Citizen is of average height, average build, has brown hair and brown eyes. Expert fraud analysts suspect that the widespread identity theft of this man can be attributed to the fact that his credit cards appear in almost every advertisement, brochure and promotional image used by the major credit card companies. “It makes sense that those wishing to commit fraud would target this man. The work’s practically done for you,” said Professor Gareth Thornington. “It certainly doesn’t help that they keep issuing him credit cards with the number 1234 5678 1234 5678.” Whilst being a common victim of financial fraud. Citizen is himself facing charges of electoral fraud after he voted at least once in every federal electorate last year.

Nation’s Dads Demand To Know Who’s Going To Clean This Shit Up

2008-05-12T10:12:00.000+10:00

Dads of the nation issued an ultimatum to the rest of the population today, demanding to know who’s going to clean all this shit up. “We’d sure like to know, ‘cause there’s shit everywhere, and it’s not gonna clean itself up.” The nation’s dads, collectively known as the United Dads Coalition, went on to outline how things were fine when they left it, but now there’s shit all over the place. This is not the first time the UDC has made such demands; six months ago they claimed there was a direct correlation between low test scores and “not getting up off your ass and leaving the Xbox alone.”

Upcoming Beijing Protest Event Now To Feature Sport

2008-04-28T22:35:00.004+10:00

In an exciting announcement today, the IOC revealed that the Beijing Olympics, a global protest event for both pro-China and pro-Tibet demonstrators, will now also feature sporting events as a secondary attraction. “We are delighted to announce the inclusion of sport at the Olympic Games,” said IOC President Jacques Rogge in a prepared statement. “The Olympics has always been about boycotts, protests and international diplomacy, but now we can celebrate the achievements of our athletes too.”

Amongst the sports featured will be swimming, athletics and gymnastics, many of which will award metallic discs to the most successful competitors. However, critics of the scheme have highlighted the inclusion of sport as further proof that China merely wishes to distract the world from the situation in Tibet. “This is classic misdirection,” claimed Professor Theodore Franklin of Cambridge University. “The Chinese government are attempting to use spectacle to blind us to the truth. I mean, do they really expect people to go to the Olympics only to sit in a room and watch people play sport?”

Despite some criticism, several TV networks are enthused about the addition of sport to the protest-heavy line up of the Games, and many have even made plans to broadcast the events worldwide.

Drunk Guy Completely Misses The Point Of Anzac Day By Boycotting Turkish Kebabs

2008-04-25T23:10:00.002+10:00

Local Man Did The Dishes At Least The Last Three Nights

2008-04-24T23:25:00.000+10:00

There was a tragic breakdown in regional spouse relations this evening as Gareth Thompson, 29, refuted claims by Brenda Thompson, 28, that he hasn’t done the dishes in a month. This new claim comes amidst recent calls that Gareth help out more with the housework and have more respect for Brenda-centric issues. “Look, I know for sure I did them on Tuesday,” assured Gareth. “I remember, ‘cause you were at that thing.” When it was pointed out that there were still dishes from Monday on the sink, Gareth conceded that he “probably only did some of them.” Further talks between the two parties devolved into citations of past mistakes and failures in the relationship, followed by passive-aggressive jibes and long rage-filled silences. At this stage the UN is refusing to get involved.

McCain Campaigns For Pennsylvania Primary By Taking Afternoon Nap

2008-04-23T11:03:00.002+10:00

Time Travel Researcher Proud Of Future Grandson For Killing Him

2008-04-22T22:05:00.001+10:00

Dwayne Ronson, a 27-year-old physicist and time travel researcher, was tragically murdered today by his future grandson in what is being described as a landmark paradoxical event. At approximately 2:15 pm a wormhole opened in Mr. Ronson’s laboratory, through which stepped Dr. David Ronson, 32, from the year 2075. Upon asking a few questions to determine his grandfather’s identity, the future Ronson shot him in the head.

This will reportedly be part of future research on the so-called “Grandfather Paradox,” which is a thought experiment wherein a time traveller kills his grandfather as a young man to prevent his own existence. “I’m thrilled to be a part of my grandson’s experiment,” said the late Dwayne Ronson in the splintered reality created shortly after his death. “Furthermore, I’m extremely proud that he and his father chose to follow in my footsteps and be the first to test the infamous Grandfather Paradox. If by some chance I do survive, I’m told I should look out for my future wife, who is apparently a redheaded woman who likes watching old westerns. Just throwing that out there.”

Police have been attempting to investigate the murder but with little success. “We are currently attempting to bring David Ronson in for questioning,” said a police spokesperson. “Unfortunately it’s a little difficult arresting someone who does and doesn’t exist at the same time.”

Australian Seniors Host Their Own Damn 2020 Summit

2008-04-19T09:07:00.002+10:00

Marketing Executive Actions Paradigm Shift To Maximise Econo-Resource Efficiency

2008-04-18T19:35:00.003+10:00

In what has been described as an “initiative blitzing tour de force outside the box,” marketing executive Richard Lahey, 31, gave a presentation to key department heads highlighting the all-around gung-ho attitude across the key demographic of every employee in the office towards hard copy creation of digital media files. “We need to see both sides of the coin here, people,” implored Lahey, a third of the way through his 90-minute presentation. “If we’re not willing to turn things on their head and make our mark where it counts, we’re in danger of wasting more than just our time - we’re wasting the very thing that brought us here in the first place!” Upon receiving favourable reaction from the meeting attendees, Lahey complied his findings and recommendations into a mind-blowing, paradigm-destroying powerpoint presentation to be rolled out across the company. Upon sifting through the lengthy 2 MB attachment, one office worker reached the conclusion, “So we print double-sided now… ok.”

2020 Youth Summit Recommends, Like, Tolerance & Stuff

2008-04-14T21:18:00.002+10:00

With the conclusion of the 2020 Youth Summit in Canberra over the weekend, the nation’s youth have delivered a series of recommendations to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, the foremost of which was “I dunno, tolerance or something.” Representatives of all Australians aged 15-24 were called to the summit to discuss ideas for the future of the nation. This has resulted in such suggestions as “more Guitar Hero,” and for the nation “not to be so gay.” The government has welcomed the suggestions, but experts claim they are unfeasible. “The results of the youth summit are on the whole a little vague,” claimed Dr. Gavin Thornton, a communications professor. “It’s all well and good to recommend ‘world peace or some shit,’ but these goals need to be weighed against practicality. And that one recommendation that Kristina stop being such a slut all the time has no relevance to the national agenda.” Inside sources are claiming that a similar youth summit has been held by Wayne Swan to help with the national budget, but that the only plan to come out of it largely involved spending the nation’s revenue on Mars Volta tickets.

Erin McNaught Objects To New Cockatoo Ridge Wines Ad

2008-04-10T17:16:00.007+10:00

College Student Praised For Essay Entitled “China Is Totally Waling On Tibet”

2008-04-09T23:18:00.001+10:00

Sophomore college student Mike Patterson, 21, was commended for his courageous stance on human rights issues today, with the submission of his mid-term paper entitled “China Is Totally Waling On Tibet” (the essay is subtitled “Seriously, Like Right Now”). The essay points out numerous atrocities committed by China since the invasion of Tibet in 1951, openly declaring them as “lame,” and “totally not cool.” Patterson also goes on to highlight the rich culture of Tibet, making note of their “sweet-ass Buddhist monasteries,” and “fucking awesome spiritual leader, the Dalia Llama (sic.).” At present Beijing has refused to comment the allegations of Mr. Patterson, who is hoping for a higher grade than his previous politics essay, “Karl Marx Was Probably High.”

Charlton Heston’s Eulogy Filled With Planet Of The Apes References

2008-04-08T23:24:00.001+10:00

In a touching heartfelt service with a mind-blowing twist ending, Charlton Heston’s eulogy was delivered to a congregation of his closest friends and family today by a priest who apparently only knew the actor from the 1968 film Planet of the Apes (and its immediate sequel). Being unclear on the details of Heston’s life, Father Remington chose to draw analogies about faith from the tale of a time travelling astronaut. “I think, in a lot of ways, we can all learn something from Charlton’s example when he refused to bow to the negative influences in his life, whether they be damn dirty apes or a cult of mutants who worship a nuclear weapon.”

Remington went on to espouse the values of friendship, mentors and Dr. Zaius. “I thought it was a reasonable eulogy,” confided one of Heston’s associates. “I didn’t quite see the point of comparing the search for God’s love to finding the remains of the Statue of Liberty on a beach, but to be honest I think we were all just glad they hired someone who didn’t make a joke about prying the gun from his cold, dead hands. A lot of people would have gone for that one.”

Comedian Wants To Know Where You’re From

2008-04-07T21:21:00.001+10:00

Breaking news tonight as an entertainer at a popular comedy club conducted an impromptu location-based survey of target members of his audience. Upon concluding his initial remarks regarding the difficulties of his home life in a de facto relationship, the comedian turned to an audience member to begin his researching of geographical statistics, asking, “Where you from, sir?” Upon hearing the man’s response, the comedian continued with some follow-up questions about the area, remarking on its high crime rate and lower socio-economic standing. He then moved on to discuss the difficulty of conversing with taxi drivers and the generally poor quality of airline food.

Haitian Election To Be Decided By Crucial Zombie Vote

2008-03-31T23:58:00.003+11:00

The world’s eyes are on Haiti tonight as the island nation undergoes its turbulent democratic process. Experts agree that the outcome of the election will be determined by the undead, who make up a significant portion of the Haitian electorate. Polls are being kept open as late as midnight to allow the shuffling and shambling citizens enough time to limp to the nearest voting booth.

This will be the first full election since zombies were given the vote two years ago, and the question of zombie suffrage is still a contentious issue. Critics of the plan argue that as the Haitian zombie has no will of its own, often bowing to the commands of the bokor who raised it from the dead, it is not capable of making political decisions. But the referendum was passed in a landslide, making this election (as one candidate put it) about “winning hearts, minds and brains…”

Candidates courting the zombie demographic tend to be more left wing as zombies are predominantly working class, usually working on plantations. However, they have been found to place little stock in health care or education, as neither is particularly relevant to the needs of the average undead voter.

Teenager “Pretty Sure” He Got To Third Base

2008-03-27T22:02:00.001+11:00

Half-Cocked Rant By Sociology Student Solves World Hunger, War, Etc.

2008-03-26T22:45:00.002+11:00

The world rejoices today as a diatribe delivered by a 21 year old sociology student expressed a fix-all solution for the world’s problems, thus ending poverty, war and hatred forever. Engaged in a discussion on a university concourse between bouts of hackysack and ultimate frisbee, Ryan Langham set forth a utopian vision of the future in which everyone drove electric cars and military budgets were completely cancelled. “It’s like, we spend so much on manufacturing arms when we could be feeding everyone,” Langham said, as bystanders began to gather and hear his impassioned call for change. “When you think about it, if we didn’t have all the weapons we wouldn’t need warfare.”

Soon enough word of the speech had reached Washington, and the Pentagon announced its immediate closure. “This young man has shown us the light,” said Robert Gates, the outgoing US Secretary of Defense. “I am proud to stand down from my position in the hope for a better tomorrow.” Likewise, reports are flooding in of militia standing down worldwide, food being distributed throughout poverty-stricken nations and an innocent child being born with a gleam of hope in her eye. After his speech’s success, Langham is reportedly hoping to use the momentum to launch his next political view, that the government should totally legalise marijuana.

Pope’s Easter Message Mostly Passive-Aggressive Guilt Trip

2008-03-23T10:13:00.001+11:00

Pope Benedict XVI addressed a crowd of over 50,000 people in Vatican City today for his annual Easter sermon, delivering a thinly veiled criticism of what His Holiness calls “Holiday Catholics.” He began by remarking how big a crowd had gathered to commemorate Easter. “Nice to see so many of you here. Not so many of you bothered to show up last week, but oh well. That’s ok, I guess. I suppose you don’t really need to hear what I think about Psalms 41-55, as long as you see me on Easter.”

His Holiness went on to discuss how the congregation took him for granted, never called, never wrote and generally only paid him attention when they wanted a blessing or an excommunication. “But hey, you’re out there living your lives, right? That’s what’s important. I’ll just keep hanging out here, swinging the thurible till you lot decide you need some divine intervention again.” He then closed with a vitriolic, “see you all at Christmas, although I’ll probably be dead by then.” This tone of Pope Benedict’s address follows in a similar vein to a recent sermon he gave entitled “You think you could be a better Pope?”

Breaking News: President Bush Keeps Walking Around The White House Wistfully Humming "The Wonder Years" Theme Song

2008-03-22T14:43:00.003+11:00

McDonalds Launches New Self-Esteem Campaign To Promote Being A Fat Kid

2008-03-21T13:24:00.000+11:00

In a bold move, fast food giant McDonalds has today launched a new campaign aimed at improving the self-esteem of their young obese customers. The promotion encompasses print, radio and TV advertising, all with a positively themed message that it’s ok to be who you are, especially if you’re fat. “We’re very proud to announce this initiative,” said a McDonalds representative. “We want to send a message of tolerance to all the peoples of the world, whether they be portly, overweight, obese, tubby or just plain chunky: you are welcome at McDonalds.”

The proposed scheme also includes an advertisement featuring the McDonaldland characters, wherein Grimace takes on a fad diet and gets kidney failure as a result. Then his friends help him to realise it’s ok to be who he is, and he celebrates with a Big Mac. This has come under fire from consumer groups, many of whom argue that this attitude only perpetuates the childhood obesity epidemic. “We’re overrun with fat kids as it is,” said Dr. Brendan Waxman, child psychologist. “Of course children deserve to feel good about themselves, but not until their bodies meet the unrealistic standards set by an image-obsessed society. It’s all in my book, Throw Up & Grow Up.”

Office Worker Espouses Virtues Of Nearby Sandwich Shop

2008-03-19T18:59:00.002+11:00

At approximately 1 pm today office worker Terry Bennigan, 31, proclaimed a nearby sandwich shop his "new favourite place to go for lunch," to all within earshot. He went on to declare his chicken & tomato toasted sandwich with added bacon to be the "best damn sandwich I've had in years." This was followed by an explanation of how fresh all the ingredients were, coupled with a diatribe on the philosophies of finding joy through simplicity. "Oh, it's so good," Bennigan added through a mouthful of turkish bread. At time of press, Bennigan's previous favourite lunchtime destination, a curry place around the corner, had yet to comment on the loss of their illustrious title.

eBay Charity Auction Offers Chance Not To Date Gary Busey

2008-03-17T19:10:00.003+11:00

In a groundbreaking new charity auction, eBay users are furiously bidding for the chance not to go on a date with actor Gary Busey. After the phenomenal success of the infamous Scarlett Johansson date auction, which raised over $40000 for Oxfam, Busey’s publicist attempted a similar stunt with the 63-year-old actor. Unfortunately, the auction received no bids and only one eBay user showed any interest, expressing concern about the used condition of the Gary Busey in question. “We’ve been much more successful with our second effort,” said Busey’s publicist. “Once people found out they had a chance of not going on a date with Gary, bids went through the roof!”

The item description reads as follows: “If you win this auction, you are guaranteed never to go on a date with the actor Gary Busey for the rest of his or your natural life. At no point will Mr. Busey ever engage you in playful yet intriguing conversation over a candlelit dinner, nor will he gaze longingly into your eyes, nor will he walk with you through parks, nature trails or beaches. This guarantee does not cover other individuals also named Gary Busey, nor does it extend to Jake Busey – he will probably ask you out.”

The eBay community is abuzz with talk about the charity auction. “No way I’m missing out on this,” said user ID freebird175. “Think about it – Gary Busey could just come up to you and ask you out on a date. Do you really want that? I mean, I like Point Break and everything, but there’s no way I’d want to have a meal with the guy. That was him in Point Break, right?”